Why Do I Keep Counting?
by LaurierRusee
Summary: Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Days, Weeks, Months. Time is all the same, no matter how much time you have. How much time is it before I really lose Kendall?
1. Leaving

**So, I watched Big Time Breakup for the first time today, and as the boys sang in white like angels, I had a splurge. I know I know! I write TOO MUCH! I had to, I HAD TOO! I've never done a Kames story and it was begging on it's knees! (Anybody get the 'Victorious' joke? It's Victoria Justice's song) I know, WTF are you doing listening to that? I don't know it's was catchy! Damn you Nickelodeon for making those songs catchy! And damn you Big Time Rush for being so hot in white. Damn you color white.**

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><p>We raced through the airport until I got stopped by security, who was nowhere near where you get checked which didn't make sense.<p>

"Please, I just need to get through. I need to stop my boyfriend!" I said to them, the small one laughed

"Fairy" He mumbled and the big one glared at him. Usually I would've done two things: go on an angry rampage with the little one, or be crushed

"Shut up" He told them "My son was gay, and he died without telling me. Go get 'em tiger" I smiled at him as I ran towards the only thing that kept me breathing.

I stood there in front of Kendall and so many other strange people. Kendall looked at me with pleading eyes but I didn't want him to go.

"James" He sighed, I wasn't having this. First I had a fucking time getting him and I'm not losing him now

"Kendall, please don't go" Half way across the world to get a _bigger_ record deal. I mean of course we all told him to go for it, that he deserved it and he did.

"James, it's people behind me" He nervously laughed. He didn't want to go, I know the only reason he put us together, in this group was to get a better life for his mom and Katie.

"They can wait" I told him, Kendall was my life, the reason I breathe. A flurry of obscenities just flew at us but I didn't give a damn because I wasn't going home without him.

"James, I have to" He took his hand and tried to push me away

"Damnit Kendall" I shouted before I pushed my lips to his in an effort to make him stay. I pulled away and he just stared at me, teary eyed.

"I'm sorry amant" That made me want to break more. He gripped his suitcase handle and started walking.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. Whatever I did, just I don't wanna go home without you" He stopped, and turned around, he didn't move and the tears started falling. He lifted my chin and kissed my lips sweetly.

"Je t'aime, forever" He broke away, he kissed my hand as a pain broke in my chest. He started walking, and I felt Logan's hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go James" I was frozen. I couldn't move, how could I without a heart? Kendall has it, he's taking it with him to Paris. I felt him and Carlos tug at my arm, I watched him leave.

"James, we need to go" I just gave in, I listened. We walked somberly to the car and they sandwiched me, they used to do that all the time, except it'd be me _and_ Kendall. He's off to Paris, to his solo career and a chance to meet the father he's never seen. We got in the car and I was still in that frozen state. Nothing was clicking for me, not even the fact that the love of my life left me. We got home and I sat on the couch, just aimlessly staring at the wall. I mean I heard Carlos and Logan's whispers of plans to cheer me up but that's it.

"I'm going to uh, go to bed" I said, we moved the beds around so Carlos and Logan could share a room, they're practically one person. As soon as I opened the door it was like something slapped me in my chest. He's gone, everything, his clothes, his shoes he even made his fucking bed! I bit my lip, trying to hold back tears but I couldn't. They slid down my cheeks as I huddled up on the floor, then I saw it. His sweatshirt, I bought it for him for a gift, cheering him up when he got cheated on and I hated how it made him feel. I took off my shirt and put it on and as soon as I put it over my head I smelled Kendall. I slipped my arms through and his scent suffocated my nose. How could he leave me? And kiss me and tell me goodbye? I slipped in his bed and my hand his something hard, I ignored it. My tears hit Kendall's pillow as I snuggled into his bed. I want him here, and not in Paris but what can I do? I can't stop him, I just can't. I went to grasp the top of the pillow and I scraped my finger on something, I lifted the pillow in rage, there lie a black notebook and a tape recorder. 'Play Me' was written on it. I knew this was going to break me even more, but I played it anyway. My shaky finger pushed the button and it started playing.

"Hi amant" More tears slid down my cheek, this was going to be hard for me to be away for Kendall, for who knows how long.

"I thought that you would like to hear my voice when you go to sleep. James, Je t'aime et je suis tellement désolé. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur et ne jamais penser autrement. Maybe, soon enough you'll figure out what that means since you combed your hair in French class. And I got you that book because I really want you to write how you feel, everyday, each and everyday. Promise me that you will" The whole frontside of his pillow was soaked in my salty tears. My heart hurt more than it ever did, damnit Kendall.

"I promise" I cried

"Good night angel" I bit my lip so hard, I could taste the blood on my toungue. To be honest, I've never felt better. The pain in my lip made the pain about Kendall go away, even if it was for a second. I opened the book and looked at the cover inside. 'Bonne Chance' was written in Kendall's fancy writing, I always loved the way he wrote. Okay, he wants me to write, I'll write.

_Day 1_

_ Kendall left me at the airport broken. My heart is broken and I don't want it anymore, I don't even have it anymore. I love that boy so much and for him to just leave me, just leave me and just let me go hurt so much. I have his sweatshirt on and I'm in his bed, I barely got through today so I don't understand how I'll ever manage to get past tomorrow or a week from now. Carlos and Logan have tried to be supportive, but I guess you don't heal a broken heart. I mean Kendall's been there through everything and I just can't live without the boy, I just don't think it's possible. I mean I try to be perfect, be someone everybody will love, so I won't piss my father off, keep my mother happy and Mama Knight and keep Logan and Carlos good and I don't know if I can. Fake smiles break hearts, right along with Kendall Knight. I'm just waiting, maybe he'll come back and he'll just save me from all this fucking misery. Maybe music will calm me down somehow, I don't know. I poured my whole heart and soul out to that boy and he just left. Just left. I'm sorry it happened, I mean, I want nothing better than for him to be happy, but at what costs? I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll die in my sleep._

_ J.D._

I slid the notebook and tape recorder on the table and flipped the pillow and laid down. God, everything smells just like Kendall. My eyes are puffy and I can barely see out of them.

"James, you okay?" Carlos's voice lost it's pep, his excitement.

"Trying" I mumbled. I felt the bed dip as the small Latino sat on the bed, he put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm here for you" I turned around to see that he took his helmet off. He only took it off on special occasions.

"Thanks Carlos" I told him and turned back around. He left the door open, but since I could barely open my eyes, I my eyes didn't hurt. I was now in pitch blackness, I used the daylight to write in the notebook. I turned back around and let the sleep pull me under.

I woke up and I was sweating, I was burning up. I looked around the dark empty room in a panic, but then realized that Kendall wasn't there. I walked to the bathroom and ogled myself in the mirror, I was a mess. My eyes were puffy, inflated like balloons. I still had Kendall's shirt on, and I slept in his bed last night. How do you take down swelling? I was never good at this. I put on some glasses, that Kendall bought me and walked out. Only Logan and Carlos was there.

"Hey Buddy" Carlos said, I nodded and sat down with them. I didn't feel like eating, and even if I did I'm not sure I'd actually do it.

"How's the book?" Carlos asked and Logan shot him a look

"Sorry Logie, it slipped" He said

"It's fine, so how is it? It's day two" Logan said

"Lonely" I offered a weak smile, not nearly as bright as Kendall's. This is the beginning of day two, wow time goes fast. I stared at the television, realizing that it actually looked bigger than I thought.

"James, the TV isn't on" Carlos almost whispered

"Oh, I kinda spaced out. Sorry" I said

"It's okay. What do you wanna eat? Katie and Mama Knight went on a grocery run" He said, I nodded

"I'm not really that hungry" I told him, he nodded

"If you do, tell me okay?" He asked, I nodded. My eyelids felt kind of droopy, but I ignored it, they were puffy and ugly anyway.

"What's on TV?" I asked, Carlos got excited

"There's an old hockey game on I think" Carlos said, hurriedly grabbing the remote, almost dropping it and catching it which earned a chuckle from Logan.

"We can watch that" I said, bringing my legs to my chest.

"You're wearing that sweatshirt" Logan laughed, I smiled

"Yeah, only piece of clothing he left behind" I explained to him, he nodded, I hugged my arms around my leg tighter. I would feel better if those were Kendall's arms, I wish he was here, I wish he didn't leave me, I wish for a lot of things. But I guess a guy can only dream. I closed my eyes and imagined those gorgeous green eyes staring back at me and I lost it. I gasped for air, I couldn't breathe, I should be in a fucking bubble.

"James, you have to breathe" It made me seem more pathetic that I'm crying infront of him

"It's gonna be okay man" Carlos's hand was on my knee

"James, listen to me breathe!" Logan said sternly. He was Mr. Doctor. My chest tightened and tightened and tightened and I felt like I couldn't take one breath of air for my lungs.

"JAMES!" Logan yelled and I took in too much air, and I started choking, and coughing, scratching my chest as if that was suddenly going to make everything okay.

"James, look at me" I turned and he took off my glasses and my head went down "James, look at me" He said

"No" I told him

"Then listen to me!" He shouted "1, 2, 1, 2" He repeated, 1 was for inhale, 2 for exhale. He taught me that when we were younger and I'd forget my asthma pump at home. He was always the smart one. I did as he told me, and calmed myself down.

"James, I couldn't give a damn how you looked. I'm still your BFAM" I did a short laugh, and Carlos caught it.

"You laughed, you remembered" He said

"I'd always remember" I whispered

"Just, just look at me" Logan said, I knew I was just going to regret this. I lifted my head, showing him both eyes which I could barely see out of. I'm lucky I even made it in here.

"It's okay James, we'll figure this out. Somehow"


	2. Emerald

**It's so glad to know that you all like this story, and I wanted to do shoutouts. Big Thank Yous to: EvilGeniusBookWorm13, I'm so happy you like the story. SexyKendall2011, yes, I have big plans for this one :). orcalover, what you said really touched me. I don't think I ever had some almost cry over any of my work so, THANK YOU GUYS!**

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><p><em>Day 2<em>

_ I know that I shouldn't be so selfish but I just can't help it. I know that I should be happy because Kendall's making a better life for them but something in my heart says something else. It screams for Kendall, everything that used to make me smile about him, is making me die inside. My world is crashing and burning, spiraling into a dark abyss; alone. I listened to the tape about 15 times before I cried again, and ended up sleeping it off. I'm scared to pick up the phone because I know that sometime, and eventually you'll call and I don't think I could handle that. Sometimes, I feel like there's a reason you left, besides that as if the reason was me. I know that you'd tell me it wasn't true but you don't get how I feel. Every time I think of you, I'd say, 'he's coming back' but and that's another thing. There's always a 'but' even though there shouldn't be. Kendall, why'd you go? I tried to be perfect and not fuck up and mess things up like I would normally do but you still left. Yesterday, I bit my lip and it felt good and it began to bleed but it wasn't a lot. I wore your shirt to bed, it still smells like you, you'd just never understand that. That's how I found this, I slept in your bed; I'm surprised that Carlos isn't barging in here telling me to get my pretty boy ass up. They've been helpful, we watched an old hockey game yesterday; funny thing is, it was one of your favorite games, and your team won 4-3. You loved that game, when we all watched it together you were getting pissed every time the other team scored. Your hair was disheveled, your green orbs stared a hole into the television. I miss those days, just watching you and you'd do everything but acknowledge me because you knew I was watching. I miss going to sleep with your arms around me, I miss staring into those perfect green eyes, debating whether you want to watch me sleep or not even though you were more tired. I miss 'accidently' walking in the bathroom while you were in the shower just because I thought my luck comb was in there. I miss you Kendall and I hope you come back soon, I'm not sure I can hold on so long._

_J.D. _

I closed the notebook and placed it under Kendall's notebook. I over the hours was getting accustomed to sleeping in his bed. I still had on his shirt, I want to cry because soon enough it'll smell like me and not Kendall. I stared at the picture on the nightstand, of me and him; right before the picture snapped he kissed my cheek. You know, Kendall could've got a scholarship for hockey? Back in Minnesota, he was the best and he could've got a full scholarship but he turned it down; because we wouldn't be there. I don't think there's anything that Kendall wouldn't do for us.

He's done so much, he's nearly done everything; he's the nice guy, he was always the nice guy. I remember before when he used to date girls, it'd piss me off so much when he'd fight with them and it leaves him angry. It'd piss me off because he doesn't deserve that, and she just can't see what a fucking treasure she has in front of her. Especially when they kissed, the girl always kissed like a fucking coyote and if Kendall wanted his face attacked he'd get Emerald to do it. I smiled, why had I forgotten? I had a dog, a Russell terrier in which Kendall got me for my birthday. _Pour garder ma compagnie d'amoureux quand je ne peux pas, _Company to keep my lover when I cannot. I only know that because he told me, and wrote it down and that's like the only thing I can really remember. There was a knock on the bedroom door, I sighed

"Come in" I mumbled, I heard the door squeak

"James" Her sweet motherly voice was like a song, a sad song "Are you okay sweetie?" I felt her small hand on my arm, I nodded without moving an inch.

"James" It sounded like a plead to me, I turned around and sat up to see Mama Knight with tears welled in her eyes "You don't have to hide from me" I tried to smile, but how could I when I was lost and broken? How could I when the reason I was happy is all the way in Paris.

"But" I searched her face for some type of denial, or anger I mean after all she's walked in on us quite a few I might add, and at times while Kendall was loudly stating obscenities "I can't" I answered. She grabbed me into a hug and at first I did nothing, but when it hit me that he's on a plane, almost about to land I wrapped my arms around her. I didn't want to cry, not in front of her but what choice do I have? Everything hit me like a ton of bricks, he's fucking gone. He's not coming back anytime soon, because he has to be Mr. Bigshot; and then I'm being selfish. It doesn't matter if he's happy or not he just wants a better life for them. And I start hating myself, for saying things like that about him; he's only doing what he has to do for his family and I say stupid shit like that. I cry harder because it's becoming pathetic for me, I'm just a pretty face and that's it and I cry because I fucking know it.

"Shhh, he's going to come back soon" She stroked my hair to try and calm me down and I settled. Usually no one can calm me down that fast, not even Logie, no one except for Kendall.

"Who do you think he got that from?" She asked me, I sniffled.

"He loves you James, more than you'll ever know. He's going to come back because he loves you" She said, I did a small nod "James Isaac Diamond" My eyes went to her green ones

"Now, you listen to me" More tears were brimming her eyes "You can't just sulk around, I know why he left even though I told him not to for those reasons. He's a teenager and he shouldn't have to worry about whether this bill or that bill is paid" Her tears started to gather and fall down her cheeks "or trying to get money to get his sister something she really wants, or spending all his money just to make sure that everything is settled" She had her fist balled up and closed her eyes. She sighed, and her breathing sped up.

"You haven't ate anything since he left. So, get your ass up and eat" She said things straight and to the point, like Kendall does. I nodded. I got up and walked to the bathroom, Kendall always showers when something is bugging him so maybe it'd work for me. I let the water steam up the bathroom, knowing it was hotter than I wanted it. I stripped and stepped in the tub. As soon as the water hit me I groaned, I stood still as my body grew accustomed of the water's temperature. I stood and let it turn my whole body pink before I started washing myself, and I couldn't help but think of Kendall and I felt guilty for it. I washed my hair, and laughed; I remember whenever I was sick I made Kendall promise to help wash my hair, of course he always did all he work even though I said I'd help. I finished and put on some fresh clothes of _mines_. I walked out, and sighed as Carlos tried not to look at me.

"Carlos, what's up?" I asked him, the little guy was so energetic and emotional even if we were the only ones that knew.

"I don't wanna look at you because then I'll be sad. I don't wanna be sadder" He said, I had to stop myself from frowning "I mean, it's not you, but I miss Kendall" Kendall was like the official/unofficial leader of the group.

"I know, me too" I told him, he calmed himself down as I sat next to him.

"Did you write in the notebook today?" He asked me

"Yeah, it was hard but I did" I told him, he nodded and smiled. I was proud of myself for sticking to that oath, it was like I was releasing some emotions through writing in there.

"Where's Logie?" I asked him, he pepped up fast at the mention of him

"He went to go get Emerald for you. He thought that he'd cheer you up" He said, and then Logan came in with a very hyper Emerald in his hands. He juggled to open the door and keep the bouncing puppy in his arms and tried to close it quickly as Emerald jumped out of his arms and ran to the bedroom. Instantly I felt my eyes stinging; he was looking for Kendall, he always did that.

"Emerald, come here" He looked over at the door and to me, and back and forth until he slowly walked over to me.

"Kendall's not here" I talked to him like he could understand me, and I knew that he couldn't. He started for the room again and I felt like if I let him go in there I'd be letting him down.

"Emerald, come" He ignored me and ran into the room. I shoved my face in my hands, I sobbed loudly into them as I heard his claws against the hardwood floor. He whined, God it was like nothing before, filled with so much sadness.

"I know, I know" I said and ran a hand through my hair, messing it up. I just sat there, and the more I did, the more I thought about Kendall. The way he tells me I'm perfect even when I fuck _everything_ up, the way he caresses me, the way he says my name, which makes me want to have him then and there. The way he makes love to me, the way he moans my name, the face he makes as he releases. The way he holds me in the middle of the night, the way he kisses me even though we've only been apart for 5 hours. I felt Logan's hand rubbing circles on my back but it did nothing.

"God, I fucking miss him" I mumbled

"I know, we miss him too" Logan murmered, I sobbed, running my hands over my face. I was tired of crying, I didn't want to cry anymore. I never want to cry because when I do, I feel weak and I'm not supposed to. I laid sideways and curled up into a ball, somehow I'd get through this I'm not sure if it'd take me longer than I want but it's going to take some time.

"James, it's okay to cry" Carlos offered, he thought so. I never cried in front of them and tried so hard not to cry in front of Kendall but somehow he just makes it all come out and sometimes it pisses me off. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was pools of emerald staring back at me; I felt as though I was dying, if something was missing. A big part of me wasn't nowhere to be found, in another continent, Europe. Emerald climbed his way onto the couch and laid by my head, he missed him too; I loved that dog, because his eyes were green just like Kendall's. Kendall's eyes are hypnotic, loving, caring, sometimes very parental like. Maybe he'll come back sooner than I think.


	3. Shattered Glass

**_I realized that when I was writing this chapter, was like I was writing a journal entry. I went through something tonight and there were my emotions, and I wrote it just like that. This story and I have more in common than I thought._**

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><p><em>Day 3<em>

_ I feel like I'm chasing something invisible and I can't take it anymore. First I'm angry, then sad, then angry and I feel so depressed. I can't fucking take this anymore Kendall, and I can't take writing in this fucking journal. I haven't ate anything since you left and I threw up twice this morning and I'm still not hungry. I haven't been out of the room since yesterday, even when Logie and Carlos tried to get me out. I'm becoming pissed at you, and I wanna say that I fucking hate you, the way you let me down but I can't bring myself to it. Everybody's sad and shit and I can't fucking take it anymore Kendall. It's like this room is a fucking torture device and every time I look I see you leaving me. You ever thought about what would happen to me when you left? Just leave me high and fucking dry why don't you? You don't understand what you mean to me, and it hurts. You haven't called or texted me or even your mom for that matter and I hope you don't expect me to be okay with that. You're giving me two roads here, and both are bad, I'm slowly losing my fucking mind here. You don't understand, you just don't understand; I hope you're having a nice fucking time in Europe. Kendall, please come back because I don't want to say it._

I closed the notebook and rushed to the bathroom as I threw up. My hair was a mess, my hands look smaller, I'm not really sure. I laid on the bathroom floor and thought about 3 days ago, when I bit my lip and felt the pain there was nothing like it. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I saw a pathetic, desperate, boy who's just begging the attention. I angrily yanked up my sleeve. The nearest thing was a shaving razor, which I had to fix the blades so it could actually cut me. I held it and slid it across my forearm; I stood and watched the blood seep out. I've been cut free for a while, until now. I did it again and the lack of pain was exhilarating, like going up a rollercoaster, waiting for the drop. I waiting for the blood to seep through the broken skin, and I did it again. I had to put more pressure on this one because the razor was dull. I sunk down on the floor and watched as the velvet liquid leaked from my arm, I sighed. It felt good to get these emotions out, as I watched the blood; it hypnotized me and there were no worries. None about Kendall, or me or Mama Knight, it was like my safe haven. I started to wash the blood away, and wrap it up with gauze, before I pulled my sleeve down over my arm. I feel guilty, like all those talks and getting rid of all sharp objects in the house never worked. I walked back into the bedroom to see Logan on the bed.

"Again?" He asked, I got nervous. Sometimes Logan guessed things before I even thought them, and that's how well he knew me

"What?" I asked him, I was getting a little dizzy and my hearing was in and out

"That you vomited?" He asked, I nodded and walked slowly over to the bed , my head was pounding. I just pushed it aside "James, you need to eat something, because if you don't you're going to-" I heard a big thump and then everything went blank.

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><p>My body felt sore, and I couldn't move my left arm. I sighed<p>

"James" I heard a chair scoot back and I felt someone's eyes on me. I opened my eyes to see Carlos, clutching his helmet over me. I was in a hospital, and I hated it.

"Hi Lolo" That was the name we gave him as kids, he liked it because he said it reminded him of his pet monkey which was never really his.

"Jamie, why'd you cut yourself again?" He said, this was where the 'Diamond' really stood out

"What're you talking about?" I asked him

"I saw your arm!" He said, loudly. I hated being caught because it only made me more shameful of what I've done.

"I'm sorry" I stared straight ahead of me

"But, I thought you were done. You've been cut free for like almost two years" He commented. I'm an epic failure, thank you

"I was, but I just..never mind" I said to him, as he stared intently at me

"NO!" He shouted, and Mama Knight and Logan jumped "Jamie, you've been my best friend since we were in diapers. So either you're going to tell me why you did it, or I'll hate you forever" He had tears brimming his eyes, as I had mine. How was I going to tell him I was broken? So broken, not even his beloved super glue can fix.

"You go shatter a glass and tell me how you fixed that" I shouted angrily at him, he tears spilled and I blinked and my tears came rushing down. I stared at the wall as Logan ushered Carlos out of the room, trying to calm him down.

"James, what's this about? What made you boys so upset?" She asked me, I just kept staring at the wall, clenching and unclenching my fist.

"James" Her small hand slid into mine, I looked up at her and she had that look in her eyes. Like she's losing a son "Please talk to me James, I'm beginning not to know what to do anymore" That was a first for her, because she always knew what to do in any situation

"He's not coming back" I mumbled softly to myself, she rubbed my hand

"Yes, he is" She said, I shook my head no

"He hasn't called or texted and" I started telling us and she shook her head furiously

"Damnit James, he's coming back!" She shouted, more tears ran down my cheeks

"He's not" Her lip started trembling as she pinched them together.

"I'm a mother, ever if I got a call saying he's dead; I'd still look for him to come back because I'm a mother. Mother's never lose hope about her sons, never" She wiped away a free falling tear "And I'm not giving up on Kendall, because he's coming back, because I'm a mother" She said, and tried to catch another tear, while I just let mine fall

"And I'm not giving up on you!" She said, her cloudy green eyes stared at me and I could tell through those familiar eyes that she meant what she said.

"But-" I began

"James, just talk to me. Please" She said, I looked at her and she was desperate to help me, to learn what was wrong, to try and help me.

"I cut myself today" I told her, she shut her eyes tightly and squeezed my hand. Of course she knew about previous cutting but I've never told her that, ever "James, I don't want you to feel that you can't talk to anyone, because you can talk to me. James, I see you as my son; I know what you like and what you hate, what pisses you off, and when you feel vulnerable" She said

"I know how much you love Kendall, and I also know how stubborn the both of you are. James, I am always here for you; Logan and Carlos care for you just as much as I do" She said, they were still in the hallway and I could hear his sobs.

"James, when you feel this way talk to me, _please._ I don't want you to do something you later regret, and I don't care if you have to tell me something completely inappropriate, you can talk to me about anything" I squeezed her hand, I have her. Her support, her love, her encouragement not to do that again. It may not completely stop it, and she's not replacing Kendall but the woman he came from sure as hell counts for a lot. I swallowed a thick, heavy lump in my throat and sighed.

"I feel selfish sometimes" I mumbled to her, she reached her hand up to stroke my bangs away from my eyes

"Because you're angry at him for leaving?" She asked, I nodded "Sometimes, I am too" She said, She squeezed my hand, queuing my to continue.

"Yes, and when I think about it; he's doing something so unselfish" I said, she patted my hand

"Somethings have a hefty price to pay" She said, more to herself than to me

"But is it worth losing him?" I asked her, she squeezed my hand

"You'll have to ask yourself that" Carlos and Logan came slowly shuffling in the room, and Carlos was sniffling.

"I can't" I stared at the corner, not again. Again, the tears slowly crept upon me. Was I really going to just become numb? Numb enough to where I don't feel anything anymore?

"I feel relaxed when I do it. I'm not worry about you, or me or Kendall" I told her, she sighed

"Sometimes, crying is best James" I looked at her

"Maybe, I guess" I said to her, she squeezed my hand

"One of my sons is halfway across the world, I don't want to lose another" She said, I wrapped my arms around her, she was like my mother. Everything she said to me, I know she would never say unless she was really concerned about me, and really care about me. Hugging her made me feel, safe as if she was my security blanket, or my safest teddy bear. I didn't want to let her go, afraid that if I did, then she would leave, just like Kendall did. I felt her chest rise up and down, she was crying.

"Don't make me lose another" She moved my hair from my forehead, and pressed a kiss there. I held her tightly, she was like an anchor, a tether, a nail keeping me in place and sane in reality.

"Come over here boys" She said to Logan and Carlos, and they wrapped their arms around us. She kissed both of their foreheads, and kissed mine again.

"I don't know what I'd do without you boys" She said, I hugged her even tighter. This was my family, that cared, and made me laugh, and cry and do some of the stupidest things I've ever did in my entire life. I don't know what I'd do without them, Logan and Carlos they were like my brothers; I treated Katie as if she was my sister, she acted like it. Fake teasing, playing, arguing like cats and dogs, just because we felt like it.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I sobbed and Mama Knight's arms on me tightened, I never wanted them to be disappointed in my. All I ever wanted was for someone to be proud of me, to be proud of what I've done and accomplished.

"I'm so proud of you Jamie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Carlos weeped. I can't blame him for getting angry with me, I was used to my parents getting angry with me over the stupidest things. I let one arm loose from Mama Knight and wrapped it around Carlos. I've never heard my real parents say they're proud of me, all I hear is 'You've could've done better' and after a while, I tried to be perfect. The perfect straight son, who plays football and go through girls like an assembly line, and doesn't like hockey because it's not a 'real man sport' and it never worked, it just broke me more. Even through all this pain, I don't regret moving here with the boys; I didn't have to be straight as a pole, or watch football and ignore hockey or fuck girls because that's what my father wanted. I could do me, I could be myself, I could be the real James Diamond.


	4. Sexual Innuendos

**I just wanted to say that I'm trying my best to find my muse and type up chapters quickly and I'm trying to read two books in three weeks, mathematics _and_ type 4000+ words a day. It seems easy but isn't due to my sleeping hours. So I hope that you all enjoy this chapter.**

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><p><em>Day 4<em>

_ I've run each and every type of memory that Kendall and I share. I remember punching him and busting his lip when he first went out with a guy, and I never meant it. I remember exactly what he said the first time he made love to me. I remember when he wore his first sexual innuendo shirt around his mom, she flipped. In big bold letters was 'I'm Hard' and then under it, in really small parenthesis 'to resist'. That was one of the funniest days I've ever had; and ever since, it's been funny to see him wear those. As I recall correctly, the last one she freaked about said 'the man' pointing to his face 'the legend' pointing below his belt. We both got grounded for that one, but the only reason we bought it was because we wanted to see her reaction. I miss times like those, especially now. Or when we went on our first date, and Kendall almost tackled the waiter because he was being a homophobe. Kendall was always possessive of me, always; he always held me close to him when other guys came towards me. I always thought it was sexy when he was jealous, and his beautiful green eyes would cloud with envy; and I'd always reassure him that I wanted no one but him. I missed those perfect green eyes that stormed with passion every time he looked at me; I laughed. What I loved most about him, is that no matter how childish or stupid or just plain idiotic that my request is; he'd do it. Like the time I was sick, and started watching Ni Hao, Kai-Lan because the television remote was lost due to Lolo. He laughed when I said it, but he still let me watch it. I'm going to sit here, and think about that day, I loved that day_

_J.D._

I closed the notebook and tucked it away under the pillow. I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, laughing as I recalled what happened. That day, was one of our best days ever.

**I absolutely hated my allergies, abso-fucking-lutely hate them. I picked up a cold, eww which had me going through Kleenex like Carlos goes through nachos. If you ever seen him eat nachos, you'd understand that's pretty fucking fast and scary. Like a wolf eating raw meat, I shook away the thought from my mind as Kendall approached the bed.**

** "Mon amant, do you want it in here or in the living room?" I looked over at him. My eyebrows furred together as my jaw slowly began dropping.**

** "Kendall!" I said loudly, and he started laughing; furiously shaking his head no**

** "I meant the soup, the soup I swear" He said, a big gorgeous smile spreading on his lips; putting his hands up in defeat, I shook my head**

** "I want 'it' in the living room" I told him, I had to laugh maybe we should swear off sexual innuendos for a while. He helped me up off the bed and on the couch in the living room, I had the thick comforter wrapped around me because I spontaneously got the chills**. **When I settled in the room, I didn't see the remote and the only thing on television was that kids show.**

** "What's this? Where's the remote?" He asked, I shrugged and turned back to the television as he got up to explore the whole room and look for the remote.**

** "**_**What color hat did Hoho have?"**_** Kai-Lan asked as I intently stared at the television.**

** "Blue" I answered automatically, I didn't notice that Kendall looked at me**

** "What'd you say?" He asked as he looked at me curiously**

** "Nothing" I answered and turned back to the television. Kendall continued to search for the remote**

** "**_**Why do you think Hoho was angry?" **_**Hoho was my favorite of them all**

** "Because his hat flew away" I said, I didn't realize Kendall was laughing until he plopped down next to me**

** "James Diamond, are you seriously watching a kid's television show?" He asked me, I shrugged**

** "What? I like this show" I told him in protest. So what I was 19, I liked this show**

** "It's for children, Jamie" He said, I wasn't seeing the 'connection' here.**

** "I like it! It's an okay show, now what are you going to tell me that me that hockey's too dangerous for me?" I asked him, he laughed, his green eyes staring into mine.**

** "No, I'm just saying. I think it's cute how you watch kid shows" He teased and I stuck my tongue out at him. He leaned over me, like he was about to kiss me and I put my hand up to block my lips from his view.**

** "Kendall Francis Knight, don't **_**kiss**_** me" I said, he pouted and looked as if he was truly hurt "Because I have cold germs, and if you kiss me you get cold germs, and I'm **_**not**_** going to play doctor with you!" I teased he smiled and sat back down**

** "Oh really? **_**So**_** if you're not going to play doctor with me, I don't have to play doctor with you" He said, and went to get up but my pasty hand pulled him back down**

** "I'll play doctor, but I won't like it" I smiled, he stared at me with a blank face before his cheeks rose with his smile and I laughed at his dimples.**

** "So, what's the purpose of you watching this?" He asked, I shrugged**

** "Because I like it" I said and leaned my head on his shoulder as he put his arm around me. We sat there, him **_**trying**_** to watch the kids show with me. After a few minutes and another episode came on, I sat there explaining the characters to him**

** "No, no, the tiger's Rintoo and the **_**panda's **_** Tolee" I explained, he sighed and tilted his head back in frustration**

** "But I thought the Panda was Rintoo!" He said, I sighed, I've been explaining this since the last few episodes.**

** "So Rintoo's the passive aggressive tiger?" He asked, I nodded and widened my eyes as obvious as it was**

** "Yeah" Short and simple and may be he'd remember it that way**

** "Holy fuck shit! The ants are going the wrong fucking way, somebody tell Hoho" I said, so caught up in the television I didn't notice Kendall laughing**

** "Oh, okay. I like Hoho" He said, I smiled**

** "Me too, he's my favorite" I told him, he moved his arm so that he was stroking my hair**

** "He reminds me of you" He said, I smiled and he leaned closer to kiss my temple. I leaned into his side.**

** "I love you Jammy" I laughed, I haven't heard that nickname in a **_**long**_** time**

** "I love you too Kendall" He kissed my temple again as we turned to watch the children's show.**

I laughed out loud, and went into the living room and turned on the television. When we first met, in kindergarten and I introduced myself, Logan and Carlos accepted me with open arms and Kendall, we were what you'd call frienemies . We absolutely _hated_ each other. And to make a parody of each other's names he called me Jammy. At first, Logan told me he was accidently calling me that; we were kids but then he just called me that just to irritate me and in return he was hall doll. He reminded me of the blonde baby Barbie doll, the boy with his blonde doll. God it pissed him off until about 2nd grade, it still were fun years. I heard the front door open and it was Mama Knight, and Katie; almost tipping over in grocery bags. I got up and grabbed two of them from her, she smiled

"…Thank you James" She said, clearly surprised. I guess I just woke up on the right side of the bed. I set the bags down on the counter, and Katie did the same. She squinted at the television.

"Uh, James? Were…were you watching…this?" I laughed, and nodded. She smiled and laughed along with me. Mama Knight ushered me to sit on the couch with her as Katie went into her bedroom.

"What's going on?" She asked

"Huh?" I asked her

"You're happy, what changed?" She asked me, I shrugged

"I don't know. I mean last night when we came home, I was more of pissed than depressed and now I'm okay. Remember when we were in Kindergarten?" I asked her, she smiled and laughed

"Do I, Kendall would always come home angry. 'James called me this again' or 'James shirt was awesome but I still don't like him' oh, I remember it like yesterday" She said, I smiled.

"I never knew he actually knew my name until 2nd grade. He _always_ called me Jammy" I said, she smiled and put her hand over mines

"So, no cutting today?" She asked, I shook my head no "Have you wrote for today?" She asked, I smiled

"Nope no cutting. Yup, I wrote in it" I told her, she smiled at me

"What did you-_Oh my God James! Go right now into that and take off that shirt!" _I immediately started laughing as the front door opened up and in stepped Carlos and Logan. I was doubled over, almost on the floor and Mama Knight had that stern look on her face.

"Uh oh. The sexual innuendo shirts again?" Logan asked, I could barely nod as I tried to tell him that he had guessed right. Just as I _thought_ I was about to stop laughing, I heard her begin to laugh too and I looked up to see she had on one of the brightest smiles.

"You and Kendall with those damn shirts" She said, she'd _always_ flip out when she finally noticed them. The longest Kendall went without noticing what the shirt said was about 4 and a half hours. She's a very quick and smart mother, I'll tell you that. When I sat upright which was minutes later (It was just so funny seeing her freak out about this shirt), and we began talking again.

"As I was saying…" She tried to think of what she was going to ask me, but then she just forgot. So, as Carlos and Logan sat on either side of me, I thought of something that didn't strike me until now.

"So, I how are you guys doing?" I asked them, Carlos smiled and shook with excitement. I looked from him to Logan, who was kind of avoiding my gaze.

"That much sex huh?" I asked Logan snapped his head to look at me. He looked down and sadly shook his head.

"All you think about is sex! Sex, sex, sex, all the time; don't you need to think about something else, like school or something?" He asked, I smiled

"First, do you know who I'm with?" It saddened me to say that because it's confusing. Because he's in France, does this mean that we're over or not? "Second, yes I do think about other things but when Carlos starts bouncing like he can't sit right, there's not much left to say" I explained, and Logan agreed

"Anyway, we got you something" He said, Carlos smiled and jumped up and ran into their room I sighed. That boy never calms down, Logan smiled at me I feel that the brainiac has something planned and I'm not sure yet. Carlos came out with a huge book, like bigger than the size of my head and they both eyes me as Carlos dropped it in my lap.

"Logie, you know I don't read…things like this" I said, he smiled

"Just open he damn book Jamie" He said

"Alright, alright" I said and put my hands up in defeat. I ghosted my fingers over the cover and then I opened it. My eyes almost stung as I saw what they did.

"Guys…" I said, they smiled at me "Wow" I said

"Well, we thought you'd like it" The book wasn't actually a book, but a container and it were my _favorite _candy. The 'book' was filled with I don't know maybe a pound or more of Sour Patch Kids, I looked between the both of them. Sour Patch Kids were my only weakness, and they knew it; especially Kendall on the rare times we fought he'd always buy me Sour Patch Kids. I used to tease Kendall all the time and say that they looked just like him. He replied with saying that if they were him, then he should be glad because he's in my throat; I almost choked when he said that. Kendall and his sexual innuendos.


	5. The Day He Called

_Day 5_

_ Right about now, I'm feeling nothing but anger and sadness. My vivid imagination runs the scene over and over of when Kendall comes home, if he does. Before I went to bed last night, I had lust running through my blood and wanted nothing more for Kendall to burst through the door and mount me. I guess I'm feeling more of sadness, with that bold strip of anger than anything. Logan taught me some new ways to try to avoid cutting, and that was rubbing my wrist kinda like an Indian Rug Burn with one hand and it only makes me want to do it more. Is it really sadistic that I like to watch the blood flow out of my arm, and the pain from the cool metal gliding across my skin sends me on a temporary high? It stings, but it's like the pain soothes my depressed mind and everything works out fine for me. I remember Kendall's attempt to hide everything in my house that could and most likely would be used as a cutting object. I miss Kendall's touch, how it could make me feel so many emotions in just one fucking touch. Like when he caresses my cheek, I lean into his touch; when he rubs soothing circles down my spine, I shiver with pleasure. I hate the fact that he can get that reaction out of me, and especially when I need it the most, when I want it the most; I can't have it._

_J.D._

I sighed as I slapped the notebook on the floor. I held the thin blade between my fingers, God how I wanted Kendall's body right next to mines. I miss the way he held me, the way he touched me, the way he made me shiver and we haven't even started. I gripped the blade, and dragged it across my wrist; I gasp as the adrenaline hit me like bricks. I stopped, and gasped waiting for the little 'high' to go away before I slit my skin again, letting the adrenaline rush into me. I sighed, I quickly glided it across my wrist again, a little slower as the velvet liquid arose to surface; just as I was getting over the veins, a loud knock on the door made me jump and the razor went deeper than I wanted.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed as the blood began to leak from my arm. I grabbed the first thing in sight which was toilet paper and held it against my arm

"James, is everything okay in there?" Logan's voice came through the semi-thin door.

"Yeah, I'm okay" I told him, and he tried the door. I sat watching the knob jiggle. I opened the cabinet looking for some more gauze, the cut is deeper than I would've ever done. When I found the gauze pads, it didn't take me long to push them down and wrap them back up.

"James, open the door" Logan commanded and I tried to quickly wipe the drops of blood off the floor and quickly washed off the razor and put it back in my hiding place. I calmly put my sleeve back down and flushed away the bloody tissues.

"Yeah?" I asked, he looked around me, trying to find some type of sign of blood and found nothing. The 'Diamond' part of me was a good liar, knew when exactly to make up another lie to perfect the web of lies I've recently spun.

"Were you?" He asked, I shook my head no

"If you don't mind, I'd like to get something to eat" I walked past him and towards the kitchen as the phone rang. I sat down at the table, then got up to look in the fridge as Carlos answered the phone.

"Hello?" Usually the little Latino took a different approach to answering the phone, but I'm just glad he uses 'hello' now. I was looking into the fridge as Carlos let out a shriek.

"Kendall! We miss you too!" He said, when I heard his name I slammed the fridge closed. I was pissed at him, for leaving, and making me feel this way, making me feel like his little submissive bitch. I leaned on the counter, trying to calm myself down; finding myself getting more and more angry. I threw my hands across the counter, sending everything crashing to its demise on the floor. Carlos looked at me worried as he lowered the phone and I could hear Kendall shouting.

"He wants to talk to you" The way he said it, was like he was afraid, of me or something I might do. He held the phone out to me, and I snatched it from him

"What?" I answered bitterly into the phone, my heart felt as cold as I sounded.

"James? What's wrong? I've missed you" I held my breath as he spoke, his voice made me shiver and that only reminded me more of where he is at this moment.

"Fuck you" I shouted and threw the phone down onto the floor. Grabbing my jacket and storming out of the hotel room, I needed a getaway, somewhere where I felt safe and it's just me. I just started walking, I wasn't sure where, until I saw a car with the keys innocently sitting in the lock. I dashed for it, started the car and began driving, somewhere; anywhere. Then it hit me, and I knew exactly where to go. I just began driving, letting the wind whip around my face as I realized something; I've never been angrier at Kendall in my whole life. As I approached the deserted beach, I realized it was almost sunset. I exited the car and walked on the beach, feeling the warm rays hitting my face, I plopped down on the sand, letting the warm tiny grains slip through my fingers. I almost jumped when I heard panting and someone drop down not that far from me. He sounded like he's been running and he plopped down, trying to catch his breath.

"Sorry" He gaped out, I nodded

"Yeah, I guess it's fine" I said. I watched as the sky became an easel for the clouds, beautiful shades of pink and orange and a hint of purple

"I'm Harrison" He said, and reached out to shake my hand

"James" I shook it, just as a friendly gesture. I turned my head as I watched the last of the sun's rays disappear and soaked in the moment of twilight. I lay back, not caring if the sand got in my hair or not. I sighed.

"Fuck my life" He mumbled, I let out a not-very-convinced laugh "What?" He took offense to that

"It just pisses me off that people run around, screaming FML and they don't know shit" I said to him

"Oh excuse me" He said sarcastically

"You're excused" I answered back

"Look you asshole, just because you _think_ you got it worse than other people doesn't mean shit okay?" This was only adding more flames to the fire, I got up and stormed back to the car and drove to the nearest convenient store. I grabbed a box of razors and more gauze pads, seeing it seemed like someone was slowly taking them out of my bathroom. I think it's Logan, he'd slowly ease them away so I wouldn't have anything to put over the cuts; he seems most likely to make up a plan like that. I paid for them and went back to the car and drove home, I parked the car in the same spot where I found it and rolled up my sleeve. I unwrapped my arm and pulled off the gauze, slapping them on the ground as I pulled out a razor. As I held it in my hand, I've never been more sure of something in my life; I did it quick and hard across the bottom of my forearm. Again, and again and I started to feel less angry; starting not to give a fuck about Kendall. He could fuck all the French guys and girls he wanted as long as he never spoke to me again. My eyes began stinging as I clenched my fist, and a small pool of blood gushed out, I felt it get on my jeans and I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. This was more than enough for me to get over 'this moment', more than a normal 'temporary high', enough to keep me going a few more hours. I had to cover the whole side of my arm in the gauze pads and I began wrapping it tightly, it was more cuts than I had intended to do but it made me feel good, feel right, like I was finally doing something right. I grabbed the bag and double checked to make sure that every piece of evidence that wasn't there before, I started to feel the guilt of screaming at Carlos coming towards me. As I stood on the elevator, I knew that he felt bad too even without doing anything. I sighed, and turned the knob and opened the door seeing Logan and Mama Knight picking up remains of broken glass. Everybody turned to look at me, and I shifted uncomfortably under their gaze.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled and headed towards my room. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but it just felt so right for me. I stripped of the bloody jeans and climbed into my bed, which hasn't been touched in what? 5 days. I heard scratching at the door, and the door opened a little and Emerald jumped on my bed, and settled down by my feet. He didn't like it much and he climbed up and lied down against my side. He let out a little whine, and I pet his head.

"I know, I know" I mumbled, I felt exhausted. I spent a number of hours staring at the blank white pages, depicting on what I should write in it. I reached over and pulled out the tape recorder, and sat it on the bed next to my head. I reached over and pushed play.

"Hi amant. _I thought that you would like to hear my voice when you go to sleep. James, Je t'aime et je suis tellement désolé. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur et ne jamais penser autrement. Maybe, soon enough you'll figure out what that means since you combed your hair in French class. And I got you that book because I really want you to write how you feel, everyday, each and everyday. Promise me that you will" _The little pause to wait for me to promise him, and I remained quiet _"Good night Angel" _My heart stopped and tears just poured from my eyes as realization sit in. I yelled at Kendall today, I told him 'fuck you' and I've never said that to him before in _that_ way. I shuffled out of bed, and cracked open my door to see Carlos, on the couch; Logan swung open their bedroom door and said something to Carlos, probably asking when he was coming to bed. Carlos just waved him off and Logan quietly slammed the door in frustration. I walked out and sat next to him, he just remained quiet.

"You acted like an asshole today" He mumbled, I fiddled with my fingers

"I know, I didn't mean too" I told him, and he chewed his bottom lip

"What the fuck James? I mean I know you're missing Kendall and all and before you open your mouth; no I don't know how it feels to have the person you love leave to go half way across the fucking world, but don't you give me that shit as an excuse" I sighed "We used to talk about everything Jamie, everything. And now, you stay in your room like, like, like, I just don't know" He sighed in frustration.

"Tomorrow, we're going to do something _fun_, just me and you like the old times" He said, I smiled, and nodded

"Just like the old times"


	6. Yeah, She's Scarred

**I'm a big BTR fan now, and throughout writing this, I've been listening to Worldwide :D. Now, I've ran to the television every time I heard the song and I noticed something! Hmm, what is it you might ask! KAMES! NICKELODEON IS SUPPORTING KAMES! I say this because? For starters, does anyone notice James's_ grey undershirt, and grey shoes_? And Kendall's _GREY_ jacket is clearly visible! Notice, how Carlos and Logan aren't wearing _grey_ but _off white colors?_ (Logan's tie which looks like two different colors don't count)...sort of in a...matching fashion? Yeah, I know they're in a band and are supposed to dress alike but STILL! DUDE *_* LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE! Oh, yeah and sorry about the double emails! :D**

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><p><em>Day 6<em>

_ I've been staring at this wall for a while. I'm starting to feel the guilt of my lashing out coming down on me; I broke one of Mama Knight's vases and something of Logan's. I fell awful, and somehow I don't feel sorry about that guy, he was acting like a whiney bitch. Carlos wanted to take me out today, but I just don't feel up to it; I feel so bad for lashing out at Kendall. I told him 'fuck you' and it was like it hurt me than it hurt him. I was going to try to walk around the house, I don't want it to be awkward; and last time Logan was doing something for a project. Maybe I'd help him with that to distract my mind, and Katie's got that new game so maybe I can play that with her. Maybe I was trying too hard to forget Kendall, I don't know. I'm going to try to be settle, and act as if I were normal, just act myself; and be normal._

_J.D._

I've been staring at that wall for over 5 hours. Just staring at the painted wall, doing absolutely nothing. I sighed, and swung my legs over the bed. I stretched and went out into the living room, passing I saw Logan sitting at the kitchen table working on something. He was always the brainiac, always!

"Hey Logie" I mumbled before shuffling and plopping down on the couch.

"Hi James" He smiled at me, I looked around but no signs of Mama Knight, Katie or Carlos. As if reading my mind, Logan answered

"Well, Carlos is out walking Emerald. Mama Knight took Katie to get that new game" He answered, it made sense

"What's that?" I mumbled

"This" He began to quickly look over it "Is a structured model of a volcano" He answered. I laughed, he always have to describe thing in detail; he could never say just what it is "It's big triangle rock in ground" He spoke slowly as if I was a child

"Asshole" He chuckled

"That's the James I know. Did you write in the book today?" He asked, I nodded. What I really wanted to know was if he got a chance to talk to-

"Kendall says he's sorry" I weakly smiled

"I know" I answered, as much as I love him right now I guess, it's making me freak out that he's calling. At the ring of the house phone I jumped, and Logie light-heartedly laughed, and I stuck my tongue out at him as he answered.

"Hello, Knight Residence" I laughed, he said it so perfectly. I looked at him as I tried to figure out who he was talking to "Hey, yeah I missed you the other day" He said, okay, could be about anyone here or Kendall.

"Who is it?" I whispered, I bit down on my lip, but he just kept talking

"Yeah, yeah! So what's been going on?" He asked

"Who" I asked picking up the pillow "Is it?" I asked, throwing the pillow at him. It smacked him in his cheek, I smiled.

"Yeah. Uh…are you sure that's a good idea?" I picked up another pillow to throw at him and he quickly snatched it from me. Damn, he was fast.

"Logie! LOGIE! _LOGIE!_" I whispered loudly, he laughed

"Yeah, that's him" He said, I rolled my eyes

"Asshole! Who the _hell _is on the phone?" I whispered loudly

"Yeah, he's fine. He just wants to know who's on the phone" Logan can be so exclusive in phone conversations, he could probably have a phone call with a terrorist in a police station and they have no clue. He began walking towards me, I froze; I knew who was on the phone.

"I'm-I…"

"Just say hi, or say you're okay. Jamie he's worried, and I can't blame him, pick a safe word and whenever you say it I'll take the phone away" He said, I tugged at my bottom lip

"A safe word?" I asked, he nodded "Will you stay with me?" I asked him, he smiled and sat down next to me

"Of course I'll stay with you" I chewed my lip, thinking of a safe word "How 'bout fire?" I nodded, and offered a small smile. He handed me the phone, my hand trembled as I took it from him; it seemed as if the air got thicker.

"H-hello?" I was ready to finally talk to him; I hope.

"Hi James" I wasn't. My heart shattered and my eyes started singing as I tried to distract myself from the pain.

"Oh god" I mumbled and took a deep breath. Tears were brimming my eyes as I tried to get them not to fall "Hi" The tears slid off my face like rain. I felt Logan squeeze my hand, I sighed

"H-Hi K-Ken-dall" I said, even though I've been listening to that tape recorder a little along the lines of every day, I wasn't prepared to talk to him.

"Hi Jamie, I miss you" I smiled, Logan started rubbing my back and I sighed

"I miss y-you too" I did miss Kendall, with all my heart and there's nothing more I want than for him to be back here with me

"Did you find" He nervously laughed "Find the uh, book?" I heard a sniffle on his end, he was crying too.

"Yeah, I've write in it everyday" I wiped a few tears away on my cheeks

"James, I'm sorry. I never meant to leave you like _that_" I nodded even though he couldn't see me

" I know, I know Kendall" I smiled, that was the first time I said his name to _him_. He laughed, I could just feel him beaming through the phone

"Do you still have your dimples?" I laughed

"Do you still have your eyebrows?" He laughed

"Touché, how are you sleeping through the night?" He asked

"I uh, get nightmares here and there" To be honest, I don't think there's ever been a night where I _didn't_ get nightmares "Make any new songs for me?" I smiled, usually Kendall was the one who made up the lyrics and sometimes Kendall and me.

"No" He nervously laughed "I've lost my muse" I smiled, some of the best songs he's wrote, Kendall said he wrote while watching me sleep. Of course I'd always blush at the statement.

"_Mr. Knight, your father wants to have a word with you in his office" _The voice sounded almost robotic

"Thank you" He told her, I bit into my lip hard. This is where another painful goodbye is placed, and just swept under a rug to deal with later "Jamie, I have to go. I'll call tomorrow, promise you'll talk to me?" He asked, swallowed. Did I really want to put myself through this agonizing pain?

"I promise" I had a small doubt that I was going to regret this

"And I promise to call you tomorrow. I love you Jamie" His words brought a smile to my face, and _even more_ tears to my eyes. Logie squeezed my hand

"I love you too Kendall" I said to him, I handed Logie the phone back as I lost control and broke out in tears. Logan's hand was rubbing my back as I tried to regain my composure but it was evident that that wasn't happening anytime soon. I heard the beep of the phone as Logan leaned and pulled me into a hug

"It'll be okay James" He said and whispered more and more reassuring and comfort words. My mind was still on Kendall, he said he loved me and he promised to call me tomorrow. His voice sounded tired, I hope he wasn't overworking himself; but a few things that this proved are that I miss him. I'm not angry at him, or pissed like I was before; I can't even put into words how much it hurts to hear his voice, knowing he's so far away. I clung to Logie, and don't get me wrong, I love him like a brother, but I wanted Kendall to be comforting me at this minute. It's been 6 days, 6 days that I've been through hell, 6 days that I've been missing Kendall, 6 days of tears and sniffles and boxes of Kleenex. 6 days of Logan and Carlos and Mama Knight comforting me, 6 days of pure misery. I realized that there were two hands on me, and as I looked up, Carlos offered a smile.

"He called" I told him, he smiled

"What'd he say? What'd you guys talk about?" I wiped away a few tears as he smiled, and continued rubbing my back

"Eyebrows and dimples" I mumbled, which earned a small laugh from the boys

"Did you write in your journal today?" He asked me, I nodded "How'd it feel talking to him again?" He asked me, I laughed with shaky breaths

"Nervous, like I was going to puke. Scared, of what he'd say; I was feeling a lot of things" I said to him, Carlos smiled at me.

"How'd you feel when he said he loves you?" I laughed before I said anything else

"How do you even know that?" I asked him

"Uh, _duh! _It's Kendall, not some random stranger!" I laughed, and they both poked me in my cheeks

"Oww!" I exclaimed, smiling at them

"That's the cheeky smile I love!" Carlos said, I smiled and pet his helmet. I shook my head, this is why they've been my friends since Kindergarten, and since Kendall began calling me Jammy "So…." I laughed, it was so typical of Carlos!

"I thought I saw some nachos in the fridge" I said, Lolo's eye lit up with excitement and then he plopped down from jumping up

"That…was…so…cruel" He said, holding onto his dear helmet in pretend hurt

"To be honest, I was glad. It's been a tough time without hearing from him" I said, I stared down at my slit wrists; Kendall absolutely hated when I cut, and I didn't when he was around-

"AWWW! Logie it's just _like_ a chic flick" I shook my head at my small Latino friend, as Logan laughed "And then, Kendall would come down riding a horse on the beach!" A girly shriek came from his mouth as he jumped in excitement. His hands flailing around him as he could barely contain himself

"And then you'd be like" He stood up to show us models "'Oh, Kendall come save me'" He said, putting his arms up as a damsel in distress and in a high pitched whiney voice, as Logan laughed at his lover

"And then Kendall would be all like" He spread his legs, as if he were on a horse "'I'll save you" He said in an extremely deep and husky voice, I was laughing so hard, my stomach began hurting. He flipped his imaginary long hair

"And then you'd guys would have sex on the beach and be like" There's no one like Carlos, that could make this moment even funnier "Oh James! Oh, oh, Oh" His high and shrilly voice echoed through the apartment, as he made more 'sex sounds' as he thrusted his hips

"And Kendall'd be like 'Oh James, you're so tight'" He made his voice deep and continued to thrash around thrusting his hips as I gasped for breath

"Lolo…stop" I laughed out, but he continued; even Logan was laughing. I've got great friends, who'd do absolutely anything and everything to cheer me up; especially when I really, _really_ needed it.

"And after you two stop fucking on the horse, he'd take you to his castle, and you'd be all" God, this was getting funnier "Oh, Kendall" And he continued making more sex sounds and thrusting his hips as he _very badly _ imitated Kendall and I in a chick flick.

"And James would be all" I tried to stop laughing as I wiped away the tears from laughter "'Oh, Kendall. I can't take anymore, stop sticking that in there you! Oh, ooohhhhh, don't stop" I heard something drop and Carlos froze as Mama Knight stood there with her jaw dropped, and Logie and I laughed harder. He nervously waved and slid down to the floor and buried his face in Logan's leg, Carlos just scarred her for life.


	7. Like The Old Times

**I've been working on this for a while now. I have to finish an incredible amount of work in less than a week, and it's busy. Thanks EvilGeniusBookWorm13 for showing me the confusing part!**

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><p><em>Day 7<em>

_ I'm a little apprehensive about Kendall calling today. He promised he call and promised I'd answer, but the anticipation is killing me. After Logan's incredibly frightening moment with Mama Knight, we all parted and went our ways and I listened to the tape recording Kendall made. I tried to figure out if anything sounded different; in the recording, he didn't sound as happy as he did on the phone. On the phone, his voice was filled with excitement, that tingly feeling you get when you realize you're in love. I sound like a teenage girl, gushing; at least my mood was a bit better. I haven't really cut, which is good sometimes it feels good not too and my scars are still healing. Kendall…he doesn't know that I cut since he's been gone and I hope to not tell him, and Logan or Carlos wouldn't. I'm kind of antsy for him to call, I'm looking forward to it; I miss Kendall. I wonder how big of a time difference it is over there? I should use one of those time converter things online. I wonder how Kendall's doing, with the song making over there. I'll ask later. So, I guess, so far so good._

_J.D._

I put up the journal, and sat it on the table and I slipped into the freezer and got a bowl of ice cream. I haven't had ice cream in like _forever_. I smiled, Carlos would so tried to steal my ice cream; the guys have been so patient with me. The front door came open and I peeked over the counter, to see Logan and Carlos coming in. Carlos was still embarrassed about the 'incident' yesterday, it was hilarious.

"_Whoa_, look at you eating big boy foods" Logan said, I rolled my eyes

"Shut up" I smiled to him, as I sat down with my ice cream. I flipped through the channels until I found something _remotely_ interesting. I smiled when I figured out what it was. Transformers, the first movie Kendall took me to; that's been my favorite movie ever since. I laughed as Logan plopped down next to me, and Carlos flipped over the couch and land a few inches from me.

"Oh, Transformers" Carlos bunched himself up, and we started watching the movie although we were like a quarter through it.

"I want a transforming car" I heard Carlos mumble, before slapping his helmet. I chuckled before settling back into the couch, eating the freezing cold ice cream. Even though I've seen that movie millions of times, I'd watch it even more because it reminds me of Kendall _and_ Shia LeBeouf's hot but I wouldn't tell Kendall that. I laughed at my thoughts, and sat the ice cream bowl down on the table; Katie was taking Emerald to play in the park. As soon as the movie went off, we all decided to watch a horror movie, or more like two to one; Carlos favored a comedy, yeah right. Logan and I were debating on which movie, and that's when the phone started ringing, and Carlos got up to answer it.

"You always go for the slasher films, how bout Orphan. That's scary" He said, I scoffed

"The day that's scary is the day that I turn purple" I said, he laughed

"Carlos thought it was scary" He heard and a brilliant red flushed across his cheeks. He rolled his eyes and then resumed his phone conversation.

"_Well,_ Mr. Know-it-all what do you suggest?" He asked

"Well, I'd say an oldie. Like…Carrie" I said, he rolled his eyes and gave me the uh-huh face

"That's more like a freak accident than a movie" I laughed, as Carlos rejoined the conversation

"Somebody kept their promise" He smiled at me as he handed me the phone. I couldn't help the blushful smile that found it's way onto my face. Logan gave me a thumbs up before he grabbed Carlos's hand who tried to protest to listen in on the conversation.

"Hi Kendall" I had to smile when I said his name, he laughed

"Bounjour mon amant" I smiled, I did always thought that he sounded _incredibly sexy when he spoke French _"I started a new song today" I smiled, his muse was back

"Really? How's it go?" I asked him, I heard a soft laugh

"I want to show you when I'm finished it" I smiled

"Okay, well did you start another?" I asked him, I could hear a pen writing smoothly on paper; he laughed

"Yeah, well almost. I mean if half a verse counts" He said, I smiled and bit into my lip

"Well, sing it!" I said to him, he sighed and as I waited for him to began, I heard his small 'hah!' which meant he figured out something "What'd you solve?" I asked him

"Well, now I don't have two songs I have one" It confused me a little "Which means, you have to wait till it's finished" I pouted, even though he couldn't see

"You're pouting! It'll be worth the wait, I promise; so what were you and the boys doing?" He asked

"Watching movies, and Transformer's came on, and Lolo scarred your Mom for life" I rambled, I never rambled, but only _sometimes_ when I was around…Kendall

"Jeezus, what did he do?" I laughed, I don't think words could express _that_ moment

"It's too funny for words" I told him "Remember how we got mad because Gustavo didn't give us a poster?" I asked, Kendall was the leader of the group; without the leader you're different. We'd been outraged we didn't get a poster like all the other band, when in fact we did it just never came to them

"Speaking of posters, I got mines" I smiled, I'm proud of Kendall. He's doing great, getting popular and would have to spend a lot of time over there, we all went through it; I'm just worrying when and if I'll see him again. I'm proud of him, I am, it's just you can't have your cake and eat it too.

"Really?" I asked him, those feelings of never being able to see Kendall, just always phone calls and texts seeped into my voice.

"I'm sorry" I hadn't realized how my voice came across, but from his tone I could tell that I sounded broken; that's the last thing I wanted.

"It's okay, you're talking to me now" I told him, I'd get over it, I'd wait, and I'd hopefully stop filling my head with so many lies

"James, I hate to ask you this over the phone but…have you, cut?" Fuck! If I just stay calm and answer a simple 'no' he'd believe me, and he wouldn't see my face so it'd work out.

"N-No" I sighed, I hated the after-confrontations. And it seems like all the feelings just come rushing back into me and that's the last thing I want. When he exhaled, quickly and deeply I broke; I made him cry "I'm sorry Kendall, I am!" I told him, I wanted to say I didn't mean it but I couldn't say that, because I needed it. To numb something, to numb my feelings, and it took the pain away even if it was for a while.

"No, James I'm sorry. I never thought about that part" He blames himself, he's thinking if he would've never done it, it would've never happened "But, I thought, thought I got rid of all the razors" He said, I felt so lowly

"I broke apart a shaving razor" I needed it! He doesn't understand how much pain it was at the time.

"I'm so" I could hear the shallow breaths, and quiet sobs as I tried not to let mines make anymore noise than already "sorry, I never meant it, for that" I forcibly wipe my cheeks, and looked at my arm. Even though I slept in a long sleeve shirt last night, Logan found out and there was no need to wear them, _for now._

"I just, I just slipped up" I felt awful to lie, it wasn't a slip up; not even a little.

"James" I heard him sniffle, I smiled weakly "How many cuts did you make?" That made the smile quickly fade. I wasn't sure how many, as many as it took to take away the pain.

"I don't really know, enough to cover my forearm" I mumbled, I hated that Kendall could always pull the truth from me, no matter how hard I tried to keep it hidden

"Did, did you tell someone?" He asked, I laughed, but not for the reasons he thought

"Well, I told them at the hospital" Shit "And Logan found out about the rest, he's been checking while I slept" I rambled, trying to get the 'hospital part' out of his thought train

"James, why'd you go to the hospital?" He sounded broken, and defeated. Torn apart, kind of wrecked

"Exhaustion, but I'm eating right and sometimes sleeping right so I'm okay" I told him, I didn't want him disappointed in me, and as much as I wanted him to come back, it just couldn't be like this.

"Are you sure?" He asked,

"I'm positive. Do you really think Logan would let me watch television if I weren't eating?" I could hear his small chuckle, followed by another sniffle

"No, he's stricter than my mother sometimes" I laughed, sometimes Logan _is_ stricter than Mama Knight.

"Yeah, and Carlos is still hyper" I commented, he mumbled a small 'yeah' and then came the awkward silence. This meant exactly what I thought, we ran out of things to talk about.

"Kendall?" I asked, I could hear him writing something down

"Yes James?" I could hear the thread of hope in his voice, that little thread that said he hoped for everything to be okay, and like old times.

"What does this mean about…us?" I asked him, I've been asking myself that for a while now and I've never got my answer, or _any _type of answer for that matter.

"I thought we were still together. Just because I'm not with you doesn't mean I'm not _with_ you; Jamie, I love you" I smiled at his words

"I love you too" I…liked his words. Actually, I loved them; after he left I thought that everything was over and done with, I guess I was wrong "we're still together then" I smiled at his words, I could imagine his warm arms wrapping round me.

"We are" His reassuring words went straight to my heart. I wasn't sure on how long they'd last but I just knew that they were there. I'd have to go back to school sometime, even if I didn't want to I had too; stupid school.

"Have you been to school?" He asked

"No, but I'm going back soon" I told him, he laughed

"Well, pay attention in French class would ya?" I laughed, it wasn't my best class

"That stuff just doesn't sink into my brain like it did yours" I told him, he chuckled

"Well, I didn't comb my beautiful hair in French class" I laughed, it wasn't even that long of a 'comb break'.

"But I like not knowing what you say. It makes me wonder" I said, he laughed

"Je voudrais que vous sachiez français" Even though I didn't know what he was saying, it still made me smile like nothing else.

"Me too" I said, his beautiful laugh rang in my ears like bells. I loved to hear Kendall laugh, especially when it was just us; and he'd laugh.

"Je t'aime" I knew what that meant, he'd said it bunches of times before and before and I loved it.

"I love you too Kendall" I smiled, even though we're nine hours apart; I felt so close to him, like he was next to me and I could hear his heart beating in sync with mines. It sounds mushy gushy but I'm being truthfully honest.

"I'm gonna do it, okay?" I laughed "I'll learn French. And _then_ you won't be the only sounding sexy speaking French" He chuckled, but just from that chuckle I could tell he wish that he was here too.

"Good Luck. Here's a tip for you, don't take you lucky comb to class" He laughed, and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You know you love my lucky comb" We shared a laugh, and I realized this was the first time since he's left that I felt, like this. Like old times.


	8. Suck It Up

**Okay, so I didn't realize that I had started _two_ chapter 8's, until I was ready to post. And they start in different directions, the first a very sweet little phone call and then this one.**

** I decided to be a jerk and post this one. Reading reviews always gives me inspiration and I decided to use orcaluver's advice and give him a nightmare. **

**Sorry about this being all late, but I was writing for a new BTR story: Four words: James = Cop, Kendall = Firefighter! Sorry, I get too excited sometimes. So, I hope you guys like! **

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><p>I could see him again, I could see the lonely, saddened emerald eyes staring at me as I pleaded for him to stay. He just looked at me, whispering 'sorry' and 'I love you' as I stood, clinging to him. Even, even as I told him that I couldn't live without him, that he was my reason for breathing; he just mumbled that he was sorry, that things would get better, that I <em>could<em> live without him.

I could feel my chest tightening, as my breaths became shorter and shorter; when I coughed, I could feel pain shooting up my throat. I could feel my heart breaking all over again.

Hands were on me, shaking me, tightening around my arms as they held me down.

"NO!" I screamed, but I didn't hear my own voice, I couldn't hear anything as I shook from someone else's hands. I felt water on my forehead as I shot up, panting and coughing. I began choking, my chest growing tight.

"James, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2" I tried counting with Logan, almost forgetting the meaning of the numbers. I closed my eyes, and wiped my face with my hands, trying to figure out what in the hell happened.

"You had a nightmare" Logan murmured, I scratched the back of my head; a nightmare.

Normally, when I had nightmares, Kendall was the first one to be by my side comforting me. He'd hold me until I'd fall asleep, and I'd wake up in the morning with his scent all over me.

"What time is it?" Carlos sighed, looking at his watch

"Uh, 4:24 why?" Logan looked at him, to which Carlos stared back. I stared at Logan until I heard Carlos's small "Oh"

"I'll get the phone" Carlos mumbled, before leaving the room; from the way Logan was looking at me, I could tell that he wanted to _talk_ about this.

"So, do you want to talk about it?" He looked at me, a small helpful smile creeping onto his lips; I just shook my head no

"Okay, I'm here whenever you do" I nodded, and stared down at the blanket in my lap as I heard Carlos's thumping in the other room. I can't even describe the look on his face, so desperately, he wants me happy, but at the same time, he wants Kendall happy.

Carlos came back, and thrust the phone near Logan's face. He stayed quiet for a few seconds, until he said "He wants to talk to you" Logan chuckled at his boyfriend's dramatically entrance.

"Hey Kendall" I flinched at his name, even though we had gotten so far and I was doing better "Yeah…I'm not sure…yeah, hold on" Logan handed me the phone, a small friendly smile on his face as I hesitantly reached for the phone. To be honest, I was scared. Scared to realize that he _really _did go half way around the world; that he did leave me crying in the airport, with a homophobe security guard.

Logan and Carlos quietly eased themselves out of the room as Kendall's voice came through on the phone. I stared at the wall, trying to convince myself not to cry; that I was stronger than that.

"_Jamie, amant, talk to me_" I bit down, on my lip; clenching my fist "_James_" I furiously rubbed at my eyes, but I could feel the tears smearing already

"_James, talk to me please_" I sniffled, as my chest heaved for air. I gripped the phone tightly as I held it up to my ear.

"_James, what's wrong?_" I tried to calm myself to answer him; but all that came from my mouth was mumbles and unfinished words.

"I-I" I began, I sighed; trying to calm myself down "h-had a nightma-mare" I sounded like a child, who had woken up in fear of the boogeyman standing at his bedside. I was surprised at my own voice, weak, vulnerable, un-James like of me.

There was nothing but silence on his end, and it made me even want to cry more. I bit down on my lip _harder_, even if I _was_ beginning to bleed.

"James, there's so much I want to say to you; and…I can't" He swallowed, already it was becoming difficult for him to speak "I'm sorry, and I know I say that every time we talk, but damnit, I am" I wanted Kendall to be right here next to me

"I want you home!" I pleaded for him, even though I know it's tearing him apart. I feel so guilty, for feeling the way I do; but damn me if I'm not guaranteed to my feelings.

"I know" By now, the tears were coming down in streams; I could feel my own heart breaking "I wish that I could drop everything, and be with you" But you can't. It's not the fact that someone's in front of me, but that being in this relationship with him; I have to be willing to make sure everyone else is better off before me. I mean, yeah that's great but; how great is it when I'm alone at the end of the day?

"James?" His voice sounded shaky, and suddenly the bed grew so much colder

"Yeah?" My voice matched his, our worlds were just tumbling out of control

"C-could you read me something? From your journal?" No. I felt like I could barely breathe, my chest tightening again, as my eyes stung, even worse than before. I couldn't, I c-can't..

"F-fire" I mumbled, breaths shaky and uneven "F-FIRE!" No doubt I was seconds from breaking away as Kendall's scared voice came through on the phone. I dropped the phone on the bed, and hugged my legs to my chest as the tears came.

If I could, I would drown myself in them; get some relief, where was Logan? He was the one to create this so safe word. And as the thought flickered in my head, I tried to fight with myself. I didn't need to cut, _but I did_. I didn't need to feel the pain, _but I did_. I reached over into my bedside table, I took out the small enveloped and emptied it in my hand. I sat the envelop down gingerly as I gripped it in my hand. My hand; my shaky hand; my pale, shaky hand.

Tears exploded from my eyes, and all my hand did was shake.

"_James? James?_" Kendall's sob worn voice just kept repeating my name, over and over

"James don't" I looked over to see the high pitched voice, coming from Carlos; glassy eyes, as he walked closer and closer to me

"But I-I need it" I felt cold, numb, I couldn't feel the tears anymore; but I saw his red eyes, on the verge of breaking down. He began easing closer to me and I gripped the razor tighter.

"James" He squeezed his eyes shut "Please" I felt his hand touch mines, and I flinched. His fingers snaked the blade away from me, and he put it on the nightstand as I gazed at my hand.

"It's okay, it's okay" Carlos eased towards me, and pulled me into a hug as I sobbed onto his shoulder. Everything was coming down hard on me, and I was the least of expecting it.

"It'll be okay, it'll be okay" Somehow, I put a little ounce of faith in his words; even if I knew, in my head and heart that they were lies. Everything that I had once found happiness, and comfort, and a safe place is gone; like a beloved teddy ripped from the arms of it's young owner. For now, it-he's just gone.

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><p>When I woke up, it was already past 10, which meant school started. I showered and dressed, seeing no one around, I headed out the apartment door and to the other side of the hotel. I couldn't get this morning out of my head. I <em>didn't<em> cut myself, I bailed on the one person who loved me most, I let everybody down. I gripped the handle of the door; feeling that somehow I was going to regret this. I opened the door, and as expected all eyes were on me.

"Mr. Diamond, nice to have you back" Miss Collins, stood at the chalkboard; and stopped writing when I came in. I sheepishly nodded, and quickly took my seat, next to Carlos and in back of Logan. I opened my notebook and started writing.

"There's a reason we didn't wake you" Carlos leaned over and murmured, careful not to let Miss Collins catch him

"I know, but Carlos" I sighed, looking at the front of the room; then back to him "I have to start somewhere, even if I don't want to" He offered a small smile, before clapping me on the back. Even though I came late, I couldn't sulk. Out of all this, there's one lesson Kendall taught me: sometimes you have to make the first move; even if you don't want to.

Logan 'stretched' and handed me a note; neatly folded. I took it, and opened it reading his words.

_I'm so proud of you!_

I smiled, was it a lie? I mean, what was there to be proud of? I stopped day dreaming, and looked at the note to realize he wrote something else:

_Seriously, I'm SO proud of you! And it's not only me, Carlos, and Mama Knight, Katie! _

I chuckled, very 'Logan-like' of him. I quickly scribbled down my reply, and slipped it under his arm. When he opened it, he scoffed; and hastily began writing his answer. Before long, the note was again on my desk

_That you came to school, especially after last night. It takes bravery and courage to do that_

I'm not quite sure if what Logan said, I would call 'correct', he says a lot of things, smart things. Bravery and courage? Bravery and courage? I'm not so sure that I have those kinds of qualities. As the class was dismissed, signaling the end of school Logan came up and…hugged me. At first, I was taken back by it; before I returned the hug.

"I really am proud of you James" Just smile, I accomplished nothing, so no reason to feel proud of me Logan! I smiled as the both of us walked out of the classroom; Carlos trailing behind, Logan's arm was tossed carelessly over my shoulders.

Of course I was uncomfortable, of course I wanted to go home and cry in the dark, of course I wanted to slit my wrist until they bled; but I didn't. I just, sucked it up and carried on with my life.

"Hey, James" I turned at the high pitched voice, small smile, blonde hair

"Hi Jo" Even though it shouldn't have been, Jo's been a friend ever since I got here and when he broke up with her to go 'rainbow' with his best friend; she…understood.

"How you holdin' up?" I could feel her small hand, rubbing my back; trying to give off comfort

"Tr_y_ing" I mumbled to her, she nodded

"It'll get better eventually" She rubbed my shoulder, and weakly, I smiled at her "Listen, I gotta go but I'll call okay?" I nodded the little 'chats' everyone seemed to be having, had really no effect over me.

"Yeah" I nodded to her as she walked off, leaving me to Logan and Carlos, who lazily had an arm around my shoulders. I had homework, including the missed work Miss Collins made sure to give me; I guess we can go to a regular high school now that we don't sing anymore. Sing, it used to be my life; and I loved doing it, especially with the guys. We made our way back to the apartment, and I headed into my room. I spread out all the homework on the bed, and changed out of the jeans, and into sweatpants and sat criss-crossed in front of the sheets of work. I grabbed my iPod, and turned the music up, letting it fill my ears. Relax, music helped me relax; if I concentrated on the words, it's as if a realm opens and I'm away for a few. Usually, blissfully sleeping but the work in front of me says otherwise.

I grabbed the pencil, leaning over and studying the sheets in front of me carefully. I mean, of course this wasn't 'usual' music for me, I mean before I was 14 I had no idea who 'The Killers' were. They were, of course rarely listened to, but preserved for…special feelings; a lot like whatever the hell I'm feeling now.

_I'm proud of you!; Seriously, I'm SO proud of you! And it's not only me, Carlos, and Mama Knight, Katie!; That you came to school, especially after last night. It takes bravery and courage to do that_

Logan's words just repeated inside my head. I still don't quite understand it, what in the hell did I do? Maybe I shouldn't have gone to school, and then what James? Just show your dad another reason you shouldn't have come? I sighed, coming out here was one of the best things I've ever done; completely being ignorant, I never thought of the first and I wasn't going to. I stopped, and wiped my face with my hands, as I was poked with something in my lower back; I turned and lifted the pillow, and just stared.

The journal, _and_ tape recorder lay where they have for about the last few days. I didn't have a 8th entry. I opened it, I'm keeping this promise.

_Day 8_

_We can start somewhere. I had a nightmare, and in that nightmare a certain person 'left' and when I woke up, I found it true; like I was running after some type of imaginary Kendall. Logan and Carlos where there, and called Kendall and he asked me to read a entry. I told him no, well actually I said the safe word and no one came. You don't understand how close I was to cutting, even though my arm was healing, the lines scabbing over; I was so close, but yet when I looked in Carlos's eyes he looked so broken; just by me doing that little thing. And, I didn't cut. For the first time, I didn't. It feels weird, and all I did was cry for about two hours until it gave me a headache and put me to sleep. I also went to school today, and saw Jo. She said some 'seemingly' comfort words and Logan said something and I'm still confused about it. He said that he was proud of me, but I don't understand what for. I told him what Kendall would always say: sometimes you have to make the first move; even if you don't want to_. _God knows I didn't wanna go to school, but I did and now I'm here, doing homework; or rather writing this entry and listening to music. Even though Kendall's the one who got me writing in this journal; I feel it's the only thing that I do have control over, that won't…leave me. _

_J.D._

I closed the book, and slipped it back under my pillow and started on the work again. When I wrote, I felt like I was talking to someone, like I was able to get my feelings out, even if it was a little; a release. I shook my head, focusing on the paper, the numbers, the words. Trying to make myself believe that it's not just about me feeling like a hopeless cause, but more about me getting _through_ this. Yeah, I'm not the only one suffering; yeah, I'm not the only one who cried, but at least I'm done sulking, or at least I think I am. Now, I just have to catch up with everyone else.


End file.
